The couple’s relationship is inherently characterized by a dynamic and lasting between two people who communicate on the basis of the presumption of mutual knowledge more or less thorough. And it is precisely this aspect, that is, the knowledge of the other the most critical element and emblematic of life to two, who are increasingly subject to the disappointments of the pair components. In fact, often you think you know your partner very well, very deeply, only to discover with great disappointment that this person with whom they might have also lived a long time, you had a rather superficial knowledge, especially if it (but sometimes they are involved both members of the couple) unconsciously or maybe intentionally communicated and acted with the express purpose of making known to your partner the best part of himself, hiding deliberately – not to appear undesirable or worse yet vulnerable – that part of saying that you do not accept or intended to deliberately keep secret, or even unknown to them.
Such behavior might at least appear deceptive towards the other which would thus acquire partial and incomplete information on their party obtaining a little personality profile true, not authentic and especially different from the reality because only partially corresponding to the real psycho-physical characteristics, relational and emotional subject. But who intentionally had implemented a similar strategy of communication and self-protective behavior and / or manipulative thinking to do well his “game”, soon would be sorely disappointed by the totally negative results with which it could close the game to two. In fact, on one side of the scale, there would be the disappointment of the partners “betrayed” by the poorly rewarded trust, on the other an even greater feeling: the humiliation of having lied to themselves, with heavy losses in terms of self-esteem.
The Decalogue
Of this, what suggestions could be offered to all those people who attend more or less consistently with the idea, desire or hope to join permanently in a relationship?
The first board of fund is undoubted to do with deep knowledge of the other an important priority objective from which they ultimately depend on the good performance of the relationship, which is actually measured by a particular indicator: the desire to stay together. Yes, just like that, as long as you want to spend with each other to communicate, play, love, fun, grow, but also to deal with the problems of everyday life, it becomes a lifetime which indirectly measures a ratio of successful couple and that works well, in which both partners can claim to be truly happy.
Apart from the above advice of a general nature, to those who are really attentive and motivated to live a relationship serene, balanced and harmonious one might suggest deepening the knowledge of others by resorting to some simple tools of interpersonal communication and of ‘ intelligence emotional , first of all ” the field of experience .” Which is an intra-psychic entity, that is a mental construct, which simply can be described as our “mind map”; and the concept of the mental map is, to a certain extent, similar to that of “mindset”.
The “field of experience” is thus a kind of double filter that everyone possesses, through which pass incoming information (input) and output information (output) with which each individual interacts with the external environment. How to filter inbound on “field experience” acts as an interpreter and translator of the nature of various stimuli from the external environment (self-perception), and this allows the individual to understand and attribute meaning to everything that happens around him through a the process of decoding the information received from the various senses and channels (visual, auditory, kinesthetic) which are never casual, just because filtered through the “field experience” staff. But, as already said, the “field of experience”, also operates in the opposite direction as the filter output and this allows those who communicates to adapt its behavior to the situation, and then to exhibit, from time to time, a behavior that will be most or less emotionally intelligent and / or socially appropriate to the context, thanks to the quality of the information contained in its “mind map.”
Then it is natural to wonder if everyone has their own “field of experience”, the information contained in it are similar or differ in the partners that make up a couple? We can now say that they are similar to “categories” of information, but these generally differ from each other, even if accidentally may coincide. An example is the “values.” The “values” includes those ethical principles, moral, ethical inspiring behavior at the individual level. So if we can say that each has its own scale of values, not necessarily that of Mario coincides with that of Francesca. Mario, in fact, could put you in the head with its own scale the value “honesty” below, we assume, in order of decreasing importance of other values such as loyalty, family, freedom, fidelity, etc . The importance that instead Francesca could be attributed to these values, it admitted that for her to be such, could be completely different, and therefore the “honesty” value could be confined to the back of his scale of values, or not at all present. It goes without saying that the agreement of two people on certain values unites and creates closeness, disagreement, however, departs. If in a pair to the “loyalty” value is assigned a meaning (weight) different, sooner or later it can easily happen to one or both of the partners to find himself embroiled in alternative romances.
In addition to values, such other categories of information present in its “field of experience” are those relating to personal beliefs, environment education, culture, lifestyle, fears and prejudices from which you are suffering, guidelines (political, religious, sexual, etc.) to the norms and rules of behavior, character, mental attitude (optimistic, pessimistic), the cognitive structure (rigid and flexible), the competence in the management of emotions. The structure of the field experience is also defined on the basis of the following four basic coordinates, which we would consider authentic cardinal points: interests – targets – reasons – benefits. These are also “categories” of information that could be crucial to know the other to be able to understand and predict the behavior in some way. Of course, everyone has their own interests, their own objectives supported by personal reasons, leaving to assume that everyone looks for certain benefits or benefits in relation to others. Finally, we could consider, then, the “field of experience” the “engine” of the behavior, important and inexhaustible source of information to learn more about themselves and each other. Therefore, it is, at the same time, a powerful tool for self-analysis and a means for understanding the behavior of those we face.
For this reason, all individually made efforts to know more about themselves and each other will be rewarded, because in trying to understand more deeply the partners, we may find areas of affinity or emotional convergence can also strengthen the pair bond. Conversely, if the “field of experience” of the other is for us a land totally unexplored or poorly understood, it is clear that you will run the risk of finding themselves live and speak (to communicate) with a total stranger. And only a patient and tireless perseverance and curiosity in wanting to discover and analyze the contents of another’s “field of experience” can really light on the personality of the subject, putting protected from unpleasant surprises. And here, needless to say, the ability to know how to ask questions, and above all to listen with empathy, it can prove very valuable art in the difficult journey undertaken for the knowledge of its partners.
The following tips are common sense rules, which only constitute the basis for initiating a process of mutual and deep understanding that while it is an excellent remedy to avoid the risk of being left to live a couple relationship as strangers, on the other hand it seems the best antidote to prevent the evils caused by the routine, boredom, apathy, also crucial to promote good interpersonal communication in the name of mutual respect, confidence, happiness and well-being of the couple.
The Decalogue
1. Leave space for love:
Always find during the daytime and the way to tell your partner “I love you.” It may seem trivial, but it is important to do it, of course on condition of hearing. Any way is fine (there are no limits to the imagination) can suffice a flower, a caress, a kind thought, a phone, a surprise or small details, which will make it clear to the person you love how important it is for you. After all, it’s the thought that counts!
2. Be consistent:
Love goes particularly shown and not just stated. Behave in a manner consistent with the previous paragraph is a strategy saves the crucially important relationship if you want to avoid creating contradictions between what is said in words, and what is communicated with the facts and daily actions. Attention, tell your “I love you” partner and then not be present at important moments and decisions that count in the couple’s life, is to lie shamelessly. It may be useful at this point to recall the first axiom of communication that says … “You cannot communicate and everything communicates … all behavior is communication and communication are behavior.”
3. Communicate in an open and honest:
In situations of divergence of opinions, contrast, and / or conflict, it is important to deal calmly and quietly listen, respect and empathy also the reasons and points of view of the other without prejudice, and especially with the full knowledge that the apparent victory of the other really amounts to the defeat of both. If possible, do not leave it more than 24 hours from any fight to try to solve the problem or overcome as soon as the conflict situation. It’s good to remember, also, that the contrasts and conflicts, these are very normal in a couple, can be a time of reflection, of greater knowledge, discussion and, therefore, growth and evolution of the couple, but they can also become, as more often happens easily for lack of social intelligence, into a death trap for the relationship that threatens to empty itself of all feeling and be stifled by violent direct matches to psychologically destroy the other. Therefore, when you find yourself in exasperated conflict situations it is important to ask whether you want to build a better relationship or you want to destroy what we have already built.
4. Recognize their mistakes:
It seems easy, but not everyone is able to do so because they recognize it was wrong requires humility, courage and above all social and emotional intelligence. A socially competent and emotionally intelligent behavior is a sure-fire strategy in three points: a) recognize their mistakes bluntly; b) sincere apology for the incident; c) undertake not to repeat the mistake made. Couples who have done just that fundamental principle of interpersonal communication, have long life, those who prefer quiet dangerous games such as the “witch hunt”, “hide behind a finger” and ” the game in the massacre (it’s all your fault …) ” days are numbered, together with the certainty of suffering.
5. Learn to forgive:
Love is also and perhaps above all the ability to forgive. Forgiveness is an act of love that belongs to the generous-hearted people. Who cannot forgive, cannot be said to know how to truly love. There are situations in which the pardon, in itself difficult to be granted, is the only way out, to be paid sometimes at great cost, but an investment still convenient if it is true love. Otherwise, denied forgiveness, we will certainly full of pride, but at the same time more empty inside waiting to be able to “lick” his narcissistic injury.
6. Without the perfection:
To remember that nobody is perfect is a golden rule often forgotten that if closely monitored, can avoid unnecessary tension, performance anxiety and stress in the couple. If you do not accept the limits of our partners or do not tolerate its shortcomings and imperfections, most likely we do not love him enough or maybe we (and because it is even worse) a distorted view of love and childish. This can also generate bitter conflicts in the report, but at that point should wonder about the underlying reasons for their choice and give coherent answers. In short, demand perfection in a relationship or your partner is like asking a horse to fly … will never is able to do it! They should, instead, learn to accept their own limits and those of others and knowing how to be tolerant, especially for what we do not like to us or in the person with whom you are resolved to share a life project. It is definitely not easy, but it is evidence of great maturity and good inner balance.
7. Give precedence to the “sense of us”
It seems trite to say, but the couple has two people with needs, motivations, goals, interests, expectations and individual desires; and as long as the pair prevail personal interests and forms of selfishness, however, he expressed, does not go very far on the difficult journey of emotional growth, love, and happiness. This goal, that every couple wants to achieve, it is possible if the partners are both capable of creating immediately that magical “sense of us” which is a profound feeling, based on the sharing of everything that creates and reinforces an emotional bond, and which it is constantly fed in time. But how do you build the sense of us? First of all with the complicity, typical of very united couple, which also pervades the little things like pleasant ritual and all those moments emotionally engaging that mark the couple’s relationship, and how to travel to holiday together, find themselves at the table, walking hand in hand, make love, have fun, enjoy the moments of intimacy, but also facing united the inevitable difficulties of life, the situations of pain and suffering moments, without forgetting the importance of having a common language to serve as a background to the couple’s relationship, characterizing exclusively evolutionary stages. This and much more is to create the sense of us , which of course also includes the important decisions to be taken together for the good of the couple, such as buying a home, work, education of children. In short, the sense of us is a powerful antidote to the emotional and relational stress of life to two, resulting in a “mutual trust”, i.e. an emotional dimension that unites in spite of everything, and in which everyone feels protected by a reassuring and calming us, capable of creating mutual trust, which is essential to move forward, and to issue an extraordinary force and energy that deeply the bond, making steel and invulnerable to the daily hardships and problems of existence.
8. Food passion:
the other is to desire and feel physically, sexually and emotionally attracted to the other, but at the same time making yourself a more desirable and attractive to their partner’s eyes. Together intimacy and commitment, passion is a key element of the relationship upon which the relational stability; and perhaps it is also the most difficult aspect to manage over time. And the difficulty is that the passion for nature is a factor that many consider linked exclusively to beauty, physical attraction, to the body and less to more intangible elements such as the ” charm ” which is, however, a very important quality that a beautiful person is able to issue regardless of its age. To always maintain high “fire” of passion, then the couple needs to evolve even sexually, and to renew it to be able to always live up to expectations emotional, sexual and emotional partners. Many couples instead commit the fatal mistake of taking everything for granted on the emotional level and then decline, they fall into the routine, thinking that now is no longer so important to be desirable and attractive to their partner’s eyes with which perhaps you already live together years. If it is true that as we age the outer beauty decreases and with it the physical performance and sexual exuberance, then it is also true that grow their own charm and inner beauty is an art that can be learned, it remains perhaps the only real secret weapon to keep always alive and involving a relationship that allows partners to grow together.
9. Create intimacy in pair:
A pair of the sealing over time is directly proportional to the degree of intimacy that the partners are able to establish between them. Intimacy is the extraordinary even stronger glue of passion, but to work needs to be continuously fed through a deep mutual trust and unconditional. Only on this basis can be complete to the other, revealing its secrets, to expose your weaknesses or fears without fear of appearing weak, vulnerable or being judged for their “erroneous zones.” The intimacy, the true, it requires above all courage and intellectual honesty to assert their identity, as well as the knowledge that it is never a starting point, but a point of arrival, a goal that is gained slowly, day after day over time. Intimacy is a summary of a highly distinctive element of the couple’s stability, which will be more intimate and more will appear united and safe even in the eyes of others, thanks to quelling invariable sense of complicity that is both cause and effect of intimacy between two people who love each other.
10. Commit to the other:
It is by far the hardest rule of good sense to follow in a couple’s relationship. In fact, the commitment implies, on the one hand, the assumption of responsibility towards its partners, specifically related to this role, the other the will and the desire not to disappoint in any situation maintaining appropriate behavior that ensures emotional equilibrium and stability in the pair. More, in particular, the commitment term has a holistic valence, embracing different dimensions of the relationship, all absolutely important, ranging from the relational to that psychological, emotional and professional. Commitment from the relational point of view means first and fidelity compared to the other; in the psychological dimension of the commitment signifies the trust and support provided to partners to support it in its path to self-realization and personal growth; in the affective domain commitment implies the presence not only physical but emotional both in good times and in difficult ones of life; in the professional, finally, the commitment to its partners is expressed with a readiness to seek together opportunities and opportunities that favor its success in the workplace, perhaps through a more effective strategy for exploiting his personal resources, it has also them to improve his self-esteem. But why is it so difficult to commit to each other? Perhaps because the commitment requires sacrifice, renunciation, self-giving capacity without expecting anything in return, use of personal resources in favor of the other, or better yet altruism selflessness, dedication. In a word “love”, a really great feeling, capable of gathering into itself all those things that only those who truly love can find quite naturally in her behavioral repertoire.