You know that scene in the Lord of the Rings the Two Towers? You know which one I mean. Its about half way through. Grima Wormtongue has fled to Orthanic tower like some unwanted house guest and he’s having a bit of a go at Saruman. Its pretty big of him to be honest as Saruman still has a fair bit of power at this point. Grima’s point is that he doesn’t have the numbers to go up against the entire nation of Rohan. But Saruman has a surprise. It doesn’t go like this but lets have some fun with it.
“On the contrary my silken liar, I’ve got plenty of them. Come and have a look…” says Saruman.
He leads Grima out on to the balcony of Orthanic to see ten thousand Orcs blowing horns and shouting.
“Wow”, says Grima, “That’s a far few, you must have been busy downstairs”.
“I was, so was Grishnakh and Larry” replied Saruman.
“Larry?” asks an intrigued Grima.
“Very old Orc name that. Not really relevant anymore as he got strangled by the first one that popped out the earthy birth sacks”, shuddered Saruman. He was happy to go along with Sauron but this was a bit gross truth be told. He’d quite liked Larry as well.
“Still”, he said to Grima, “let’s look on the Brightside. Once this lot have gone off I can give that Loft conversions Bristol based a company a call about sorting out the top room in the Tower. There’s loads to look at at http://www.caineslofts.co.uk/. I’m going to need a bit of space after they all come back full of pep from all that slaughter”.
“What about Gandalf. Didn’t he leave it in a bit of state” asked Grima.
“Yes, very inconsiderate. I mean, I know it was bit, um, open plan shall we say but I like to think of it more as airy. It was a bit uncalled for that Eagle leaving a big poo all over it. And I do mean big, have you seen the size of those Eagles?”
“Yes, and Gandalf shouting “Have that you white bearded old gimboid” was not nice either was it”. Said Grima sympathetically.
“No, is it any wonder I do what I do? Really? I mean, ok some people might think it’s a bit over the top to create a race of Orcs that are cross bread with Elves and Humans so that they don’t mind the full sun and then send them out on a route to world domination culminating in my getting the ring and sticking it to you know who”, Saruman looked round and pointed to the stone of Orthanic. “Right time for a pep talk”.
Saruman addresses the Orcs. “Right you lot off you go. Go and kill those humans, don’t leave any alive and don’t come back till you’ve done it. You will taste manflesh etc, etc”, and he banged his staff down for emphasis.
A tear rolled down Grimas face as he watched them go.
“You’re not still pinning after that Princess are you?” asked Saruman.
“No”, replied Grima “You just stamped your staff on my foot”.