Red shirt problems on the Enterprise

As a Star Fleet Captain James Tiberius Kirk always knew that he was never off duty. However, he had specifically said that he was not to be disturbed over the next 2 hours as he wanted to relax in his quarters, a new addition of Green Girl A Go Go was due on and he didn’t want to miss it. He was annoyed then when there was ring at his door.

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“Who is it?” asked a Kirk trying not to sound too exasperated.

“It is Chief Science Officer Spock, Captain.” Said Spock in that same neutral tone.

“What can I do for you?” answered Kirk. He knew it was urgent as his second in command general took things quite literally as he was so logically, and he would not have bothered him.

“Forgive my intrusion Captain but I have a report on the latest mission and the loss of Ensign Witherspoon”. Said Sock looking impassive and rock.

Kirk hated this part, there were 500 crew on the Enterprise, well 499 now, and it was impossible to remember them all. One week he’d had an indignant MaCoy have a go at him after he couldn’t remember the name of Cultural Officer Ramiez when she came on a recent away mission. “But you got off with her at the Christmas Party Jim!” Bones had said.

“Ah, yes, unfortunate business Spock, Poor…,” Kirk took a wild stab, “Stan? No! Simon?”.

“Sylvester, Sylvester Witherspoon. Star Fleet number 2636710”, said Spock impassively. Kirk was sure he did this deliberately. Inside the Vulcan was having a right laugh.

“Did he wear a Red shirt?” said Kirk.

“He did Captain, as befits his rank on the Enterprise of Ensign”. Replied Spock, get one more fact in to annoy Kirk further.

“So, what’s the issue. It was the Blarg monster from Santos 4 that got him, you said someone or something, like you always do, has taken Mr Ditherjune…”

“Witherspoon Captain,” cut in Spock, ever factual and pedantic.

“I know! Witherspoon, and we hunted it down and saved it from something because it thought we wanted it. That sort of thing.” Surmised Kirk.

Spock was impressed for 3 seconds until he remembered that might be an emotion so he supressed it. “Yes Captain, that is correct,” he allowed.

“So?” asked Kirk

“There is a problem with the Bespoke Wardrobes Hampshire made.” Spock said

“Engineer Hampshire you mean?”  asked Kirk

“Yes, he’s had enough Captain. Every time someone dies on the Enterprise he has to go online and order some more from because we have lots of species with specific needs. He says can we be a bit more careful with our Red Shirts? Maybe send Mr Scott because although he has a red shirt he never gets in any trouble”. Said Spock, impassionedly. He left out the more colourful metaphors Hampshire had used.

“Right, Beam him off at the next Station and tell him to get another job” answered Kirk and with a swish the door closed.